There is no harder job than motherhood. I feel like I fail every single day. Sometimes I wonder if I have shorted my kids in some way or if I tell them I love them enough or if I have been nice enough...the list goes on. I am that mom that wonders when was the last time I hugged them?
I worry so much about my oldest Carlea, that sometimes it's almost too hard for me just to be quiet. She comes home, and in my determination to have her assure me that her day was good, and knowing that my my goal is to help her have an even better day the next day and the next day and the day after that, I lose patience with her, and she with me. As she sat on my bed a couple nights ago, I tried to explain that I make suggestions to her because I just want her to be happy, she looked at me and said the most painfully beautiful words she could say to put me in my place. "I just want to be ME." I felt such shame in that moment. I don't want her to be me. I never have. I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that she is a better person than I ever could be. She is naive about a lot, but her heart is so pure. I have a hard time taking the ME out of my thought process when wanting things for HER.
The Bible tells us in Psalm 139:14 I will praise thee; for I am fearfully and wonderfully made: marvellous are thy works; and that my soul knoweth right well. Carlea is a Christian. She is not perfect because we know that "all have sinned, and come short of the glory of God;" (Romans 3:23), but she strives to do right. She strives to not sin. She knows the commandments, and she practices them as best she can. What more could I possibly ask from her? She is a child who follows God's word BETTER THAN I DO. The next time that I feel the need to make her feel like being her isn't good enough (even if I have the best intentions), I think I might just tell her I love her. I might even tell her that I thank God that she is mine. Writing this all down from the jumbled mess in my head makes me want to go get her from school and hug her. She probably wouldn't like that though..lol.
Psalm 127: 3-5
Lo, children are an heritage of the Lord: and the fruit of the womb is his reward. As arrows are in the hand of the mighty man; so are the children of the youth. Happy is the man that hath his quiver full of them; they shall not be ashamed, but they shall speak with the enemies in the gate.
God sent me my children to raise in His name. He sent them to me DESPITE the fact that I was running from Him (when he sent me Carlea and Addie anyway). Raising them now, as a Christian mother should be easy. I just struggle in my walk so much. I think, at the end of the day, being a better mother requires me to be a better Christian. I do so much for my children, but am I doing enough for their souls? Have I put enough faith in God to take care of them and light their paths? Have I put enough faith in God to light my path? Matthew 8:26 And He saith unto them, Why are ye fearful, O ye of little faith? Then, He arose, and rebuked the winds and the sea; and there was a great calm. This verse is written during a time when, despite the fact that the disciples were literally ON THE SAME BOAT with Jesus as He slept, they were afraid of a storm...They were afraid of a storm that Jesus wasn't even concerned enough about to awaken. Why do we do this to ourselves? Why do we fear what's coming? As a Christian mother, we are called not to worry but to know that God is there. Proverbs 31:21 She is afraid not of the snow: for all her household are clothed with scarlet. If I am following the Lord and showing them how to do the same, what is there to fear? Nothing. The fear comes from knowing that I am not doing enough for the Lord in order to have my kids fully clothed in His word and His sacrifice...and knowing that I don't deserve them to begin with.
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